Wednesday, August 31, 2005

School's In

The Apocalypse has officially begun loading its tanks and armies on to the transports...

U.K. schools allowing kids to swear in class.

I really try to sail the middle of the channel politically, I'm blessed with fiercely intelligent friends who provide me great views of the shores from each side of the boat.

But this is some seriously f*cked up liberal touchy-feely bullshit. More of that 'esteem-based' Dewey New Education crap where not letting the kids get their feelings hurt or feel bad for anything they do (like get 2+2 wrong or, uh, tell the teacher to fuck off) is so frowned upon because these over-striving "super" parents want to be their kid's best friends, rather than a square un-cool parent (who compassionately disciplines the kid so they don't screw their life and the world up later.) So these "parents" put this "bike helmet of life" perimeter of buffer around their kid in everything they do. No hurt feelings, no unfulfilled desires, no failure, no learning to cope with NOT getting everything junior wants. Psychologically, not only is Mom wheeling the grocery cart out to the mini-va...sorry, SUV, but she's also wheeling the entire candy rack from the checkout lane with her too.

There's no time to let junior scream and learn life ain't always about him, Mom's late for her weekly berating of the soccer coach for not putting junior at center. Cuz he's obviously the most talented kid out there. When he's not picking his nose due to his nervous tick from being obsessively postured by his SuperMom. But not to worry, Dad will distract the crowd from the nose-picking with a good right hook to the coach anyway. Dan Sheckling, regional manager of the Northwest territory, Quadrant 3F, Clark county division of United Fruit Warehouse District 8 didn't spend his school years slamming skinny freshman into lockers so he could grow up to have a 4th string defenseman embarrass his sperm's family name on the soccer field.

I channel the spectre of Carlin for this one:
"Children are not all special, they're just like adults: a few winners, and a whoooole lot of losers."

A bit generalized, but you get the idea.

Happy Wednesday.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Some Things Protect Themselves By Being What (or Who) They Are.

At first I thought "In his mind, in 1984 this would have been the result of hitting the 'Ultimate Career Nightmare' button in the time machine." And in my mind too.

Then I remembered something very important:
I'm talking about David Lee Roth.
There's a completely different set of rules and premises at work here.

This is probably EXACTLY what that clown was hoping to be doing in 2004 on that day of all days. And God bless for him loving every stinkin' second of it. Talk about not givin' a shit. He's SUPPOSED to be pulling off stuff like this. He wouldn't be David Lee Roth if he wasn't.

You think I'm gonna give it up here? No you gotta go do the legwork pal.
Wait for it...

'Jump' and 'California Girls'

Monday, August 22, 2005

Stick with me kid, and you'll be fartin' through silk

From the illustrious Joe Rickle, Downriver Michigan's Ambassador of Comedy.


I was stuck in some of the exiting cruise traffic on Saturday, and low and behold, the frickin A-team van was next to me. The personalized license plate was the best part…”PTYDAFU”.


Thursday, August 18, 2005

So which Big 3 company, oil company, or government office will foot the bill for the goon squad to take out this guy with the 'Preston Tucker Treatment'?

Tinkerers fiddle with hybrids to increase efficiency. Getting 250 mpg.

Too many families here making too much money off generations of gas guzzling car sales. Mass transit and less reliance on cars means less car sales. Henry Ford the 17th's trust fund goes bye-bye when efficient innovation threatens the money spring of the Old Guard and their models.

Follow the money.


By the way some piece of sh*t decided to set the auto-spam machine on and post "comments" to this blog that are just ads. sorry for this. If you see comments "removed by administrator", that's me cleaning out spam.

Everday with this crap happening, I'm understanding more why the Kaczynski's of the world go live off the grid in a cabin. I'd just talkto the birds and critters instead of building bombs though. Well.. playing with m-80s would be fun. But I wouldn't be leaving them in people's mialboxes. I'd just blow stuff up out in the woods. Like the outhouse. THAT would be fun. But then the spread-out poop would make the area attract bears who'd eat my food. Not good because off the grid I'd have no electricity for the motion-sensor alarm. But I could befriend the bear, name him Ben II. Or maybe 'Ben Too'? I do have a favorite flannel I like to wear, and I've been told facial hair is becoming on me. I do like Doc Marten boots too. And I recently came to appreciate the greatness of suspenders with the suit I bought for a wedding years ago.

Ya know, this whole Grizzly Adams thing (as you can see) is making alot of sense and speaking to me. It's all coming together without me trying.

Then when I'm bored I head into town and while saying hi to the folks on the main drag, learn of some petty crisis from old Maude who lives on the hill that can become that week's adventure for me and Ben Too. (See how that name works so well already??")

But I need a name...something the townfolk will remember well.

"Grizzly Adams"...

"Grumpy Below"?
"Uncle Dave"?
"Bear Guy"?
"Mr. Gave Up"?
"Glorified Igor"?
"Mountain Adventure Guy with Crazy Bear Friend"?

I need to work on this some more.
And I need to find someone who works at the zoo so I can steal, er, I mean free a bear cub I can raise to be my sidekick. Teach him to drink with me like the Molson commercials bear. And communicate too. So he can go into town without me to buy more beer.

Clancy the General Store manager: "Well hello B.T.!"
B.T. (Bear Too): "KBWAARLL"
Clancy: "Another case?
Clancy [setting case on counter]: "Is he on another bender again?"
Clancy [ringing up case]: "Ya now B.T. you need to stop supporting this behavior in him. It's not doing him or you any good. That'll be...oh why do I even ask. You always show me you have no pockets anyway for money, you're a bear."
Clancy: Save it B, you always use that excuse. I'll just charge this to the birthday party tab. You're still coming to little Jessie's party so the kids can ride and play with you.
Clancy: YES, you will wear the party hat!
Clancy: YES You WILL. You still want this case of Grolsch???
B.T.: "PMMff..."
Clancy: "That's what I thought."

[clancy rings up beer. Sheepishly looks at B.T.]

Clancy: "Aw, I'm sorry B. You know I'm your friend. I just care about you two up there,that's all."
B.T.: "mmmMMMRRmmmhimpf..."
Clancy: 'C'mere and give ol' Clance a hug."

Clancy: "YES B, I get the irony here."


Check out this sweet World Record Bike Jump

Monday, August 15, 2005


Vintage Michigan website.
Find pics of all the drive-in's in Michigan from backwhen.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Beetlejuice will be performing at the Crazy Leprechaun in Philly.

I heard that on Howard Stern this morning. What a great group of words.


So this big chemical plant blew up in Wayne, Michigan last night. The band I play in, our guitarist Craig is "Chopper Craig" of the Channel 7 news helicopter. So we get finished playing some tune at rehearsal, his cell goes off, he exclaims "Holy Shit..." and immediately has to go. At first he thought it was an airplane crash at Metro, "some huge explosion by Metro". So we call scramble to help him get his gear in his car because he has to get down the road to get in the news chopper to fly over this thing and pilot/shoot images for the aerial coverage. That's what he does. and traffic reports. And play a mean guitar.

So it was kind of weird and neat to finish practice, get home, turn on the 11pm news to see the chopper view of this giant inferno, and hearing my guitarists voice in this very professional newscast voice relaying what was goin on down there.

Especially since an hour and a half earlier, we were all busting a gut at practice listening to our about-to-retire-from-his-dayjob saxophone player make fun of his sex life in hilariously graphic terms. And Craig was taking the lead in furthering the roasting.

By the way, Craig has a cute little white terrier named Mollie who comes to practice and flies with him a lot. She chases plastic water bottle caps around the slippery floor of our practice space. It's like a real-life Flintstones watching her feet spin in place and she doesn't move.



Saturday, August 06, 2005

"Don't put it in your notes , put it in your life" --Mr. Dunn

Just just, ok?

* Problems, like the Earth, are spherical in shape; If you run from them in the opposite direction, you'll eventually come right back around to 'em, but the real long way.

* When you begin to remember a moment's beginning, that moment is soon to end.

* There's always someone you love who worships a band you hate. And vice versa.

* "Life finds a way."
--Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park.

It's true.

* If every piece of matter is made up of little atoms with protons and electrons and neutrons all orbiting around a nucleus... and beings and life forms are built up of layer upon layer of more organs made up of millions of more atoms all containing this orbiting circular rotating energy...and the matter in the whole universe is based on this, doesn't it seem to make sense that "what comes round goes around" really does happen since the smallest particles of everything that exist come around and go around in the deepest fabric of their matter? Combine this reasoning with statement #1 above of this posting and it makes sense why we have a new boy band fad every 10 years, there's still marriages where people stay with people who abuse them, and that no matter what year or cast, Saturday Night Live always "sucks" till you watch reruns of said "suck" period 8 years later on Comedy Central and rave about the glory days.

* Let yourself accept that you love Journey.

* Beer tastes different and better when you drink on a boat/on water. Personally i think it's because we're so much water in our physiological makeup, so when we're on water, there's this sub-level molecular thing going on where your surroundings at such a moment are biologically more in harmony than usual. Lake -- person made up of 60%-ish water -- liquid beverage. Your sensitivity thresholds are screaming because you're in the homeland. Or it's because you're enjoying a beer without someone's fart fumes or cigarette stench fighting for your tastebud's and olfactories attention.

* The secret to life is 44% lettuce. (I'll come back to this someday.)

* Joe Walsh could play a guitar solo tomorrow so powerful, soulful, and inspiring that resurrects Jesus, Elvis, Princess Diana, Martin Luther King, and every innocent child who was ever murdered, and people would still have nothing to say of Joe when his name is brought up besides how much of a bafooned, lush, drug casualty he is.

* They know how addicting and good Cinnamon Life cereal is... that's why it's on sale only once a year.

* Listen to Sun Ra on headphones when you go for a summer night time walk.

* Next time the overhead music in the store is annoying you, imagine how weird it would be if there was no music. If you can't imagine it, go to a dollar store. You'll see.

* Tell Grandpa you love him. Even if he's "not like that" cuz' he comes from a different era.

* Kosmo's Deli in Ann Arbor's Kerrytown is a special place. The food, staff, and operation is clean, cheerful, and with love.

* Strange and wonderful dreams if you take a multi-vitamin at bedtime.