THAT'S A WRAP

When I make my own 'Super-Size Me" documentary, I'm gonna live on Taco Bell Meximelts and McDonald's breakfast burritos. Because I could.

*********
*********

PLEASE GOD NO

Seeing a certain CD sent meoff on a phase of Sammy Hagar -->investigating Montrose for the first time--> Van Halen. I been jamming 2 of my fav VH songs, 'Secrets' from Diver Down and 'Me Wise Magic' from the '96 Best Of. Then of course, my ear wanted the balls and brash of For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. (Which btw, was Sammy's "gel" record. That album was truly when the natural 'isms' of VH and Sammy finally blended and 'VanHagar' actually birthed itself. Every song on there can be traced to a Roth-era song composition-wise, but Sammy's vocals are pure Sammy in tone, spirit, and character.)

Aaaaanyway... so I'm coming into work with 'Poundcake'just pummeling the air with Alex's punchy, big room sound, brashy drums. (His bass drum on this album sounds like a wrecking ball was wrapped in velvet and when he hits a cymbal with it, it's sounds like said ball was swung through a wall made up of two pieces of drywall with about 30 sheets of glass between them. Imagine that visual and sound and turn up the subwoofer of your brain.

So the tune's ending and I cut off the CD to catch Drew and Mike's Trudy News and their talking about that Rockstar INXS show where they had a kareoke contest to replace Michael Hutchence. Then Drew says he heard that there's been rumor that this show might do another season with VAN HALEN finding a singer this way!

Now... [tense, constrained, sigh]...let me say something here.

(Right now by the way, every good friend of mine is feeling a disturbance in their Buddy Force. Something is making them very afraid, they know a seismic disturbance is occuring somewhere, like when Ben felt Alderaan explode. My really good friends, like Ruz who's currently flying back from his tour of duty in Iraq is sensing that something's wrong with Dave. His body is tensing up because he knows somewhere a Dave Van Halen rant is start to rumble the volcano's mountain.)

So I'll try to spare some carnage here. Touch up the levee's. Sandbag the outer bunker. Have the National Guard at ground zero before the riots start. I'll radio the Blue Angels for a flyby after they buzz the stadium when the national anthem finishes at whatever ballpark they got hired for. And we all know it ain't gonna happen.

I have the internet on my side. I will find out where this Rockstar show is and pull own personal Hedwig and yank the microphone cord out of these singer's mic's if this goes down. I will torch 5150 studios. (I'll look around first since I always wanted to visit that).

I said it once, I said it billion f*ckig times in the kitchen and backyards of various parties since 1999. If this band wants to have any chance of getting something done in a good way, they need to get Gary Cherone back.

Yes yes yes....I f*cking know. We all wish Dave would come back. He tried. Twice. Sammy took the high road and made first contact with Al, had lunch, bam we had a tour in 2004. Sammy got burned by that. Eddie and Al have problems. It's as simple as that. Gary was an intellectual and had a calming, inspiring influence on Eddie. Eddie let himself be himself, without being a wastoid with booze as his crutch (which reports seem to be saying he's back to.)

That album with Gary should perhaps have been an Eddie solo album, perhaps not put out as "Van Halen". To help get that unit gel'd. (It takes two years to become a really good band. Or drumline. Or any performance unit. I've taught, I've studied. Trust me.) The tour was amazing, Gary worked that crowd up like no one had seen in years. he learned what worked with that audience and what didn't. The work on the next album was coming along great, the tunes were more cars and women than political machinations and the like. Gary figured out the conciousness of the room he was to be speaking to. It was gonna be great. Shit, he was even growing his rock hair back out.

I'm tellin ya. At that time in the mid-90s, there was a synchronicity between what Gary brought to the table and where the VH nucleus was musically and maturity-wise. Gary understood the history of that band's musical output better than the band. He understood it as a fan, and as an accomplished performer and singer himself. It wasn't Eddie who decided to pull out 'Jamie's Cryin' and 'I'm the One', Mean Streets, Unchained, Romeo's Delight. It was f*cking Gary!

Gary's presence and influence got that band to accept and engage their past for all the glory it was, and at the same time allow the band to be as creative as they had always wanted to be. Eddie's an insecure kid who's voice is what he gets out of that guitar, Al's the big brother who protects him and makes the decisions, business and overall band aesthetic. (Remember, it was Al and Roth who were always conflicting over the band's focus, purpose, and presentation.) Michael lays back and lays it down. Gary was the brains and the rock of Al and Eddie combined. They could play smart and bring the boogie-woogie. They could satisfy the intellectual side while also not feeling like dinosaurs revisiting the gems that put them on the map. Every band grows tired of their early material and sees playing it again as backpedaling until enough time and distance pass and someone or something very real to them happens which puts a new perspective on how good that work really was.

There's arguments that VH should stick with the early stuff.
Well padre, how about you quit your job and go back to first job of washing dishes or waiting tables. You de-volve back too. Get back to "keepin' real". That's a nice mindset to have towards these guys. Hey Eddie, Hey Hetfield, leave your wife and house to pollute your body and insult your intelligence with a lifestyle that you already learned fucks your music up anyway. Yeah. Go back to being an angry self-destructing fuckup so I, Joe Dumb Fan, can get my money's worth when I escape my shitty directionless life for one night going to your show. Because I, your "fan", have musical consumer rights to your career and life, and wants you this of you because it makes me more comfortable with your output.

Years ago I clipped out a news item for my cube wall where a bunch of Aerosmith fans started a petition asking Aerosmith to be please get back on drugs. Because they hadn't written a decent riff since the drug days. It was funny in a way, but it's like the above mentality. I wonder if the fans would, in exchange, cover the housing, medical, counsleing costs for the band's children and families who would reap the benefit of this kind of action. Hey as long as the riff's are there, screw little Jenny having a chance at -not- becoming a stripping coke-whore because Dad was a distanst violent wastoid. It's about the music man. It's gotta be.



- Dave deserted the fans who for some reason still support him most.
- Sammy gave us 11 years (those shows were packed) till the brothers got stupid.
- Gary tried his best, took the jabs, and gave fans more of what Dave could not (great live vocals) or Sammy would not (classic material).

Yes I wish Dave would come back and they all got their personal shit together.
Yes I wish Sammy could do the same, but he tried, and it blew up in his face again.
I was there in 2004. Sammy's a pro and delivered a great show. But he'll never fully trust Eddie again. And that affects things. Even when it's not musically-based, that kind of protected holding back affects a band's vibe and output. LIve and recorded. The truth just sounds different, always. Truth is, Sammy won't ever truly rely on VH again.

But if anyone should come back now, per the history and circumstances, it should be Gary. With Gary they would actually be a Band.

Or we can get Sebastian Bach.
Or how' bout Rob Thomas?
Clay Aiken?
Fred Durst?
Melissa Etheridge?
Rob Zombie"
the guy from Nickelback?
Scott from Creed?

I know! How about some arm and neck tattoo'd skateboard guy with the bullring in his nose? That would be some cred.

How about Ricky Martin?
Andre Dice Clay?
Corpse of Bob Hope?
Lil Bow Wow?
Pavarotti!
Oak Ridge Boys?
Stephen Hawking.
Foreigner!
Ralph Nader?
Twiggy the model?
Bernie Mac!
Gonzo the muppet!!
Sean Hannity?
Jay.
Big Boy
Dennis Rodman?
Neil Sedaka!
Owen Wilson.


Yeah, I guess you're right. Any of these clowns would be a much better fit than Gary, who did the job, can do the job, and would do a great job, for all the right reasons.

Well, I guess we'll just have to keep going to Aerosmith then.
"Week-ick-ick-ick YOW!"