Friday, September 30, 2005

Let's share.

Being a musician, it's not funny in the slightest to be searching online for diarrhea cures the day of the first gig with your band.

I might be talking about me, or one of my bandmates.
I ain't sayin'. Oh pipe down. Have a little mystery in your life for once. Does it always have to be about you??
GEEEZus...

Hey, don't give me any flak or lip, ya little punk. I was on the The Waltons ya know.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I can be Steven Wright too

Remember learning when we were little how big blue whales would eat by swallowing tons of krill (like shrimp) in the water, and the whale filtered the krill form th water using their baleen (a filtration system kind of like a huge sieve in the mouth)?
Remember that?

You can simulate this same thing as a human. It's like when you chug a big glass of water that you stirred insoluble fiber into. Like Metamucil or psylliuym husks. Close your jaw a little and you can feel the fiber going past your teeth. I'll bet that's what it feels like for the whale.

All mine baby. Gonna teach my kids that someday.

Since I mentioned Steven Wright, I'll mention the one joke of his I remember cuz I liked it so much.

" I like to stand in the running shower with my clothes on, and stop the drain so the water fills at my feet, and play Sinking Submarine."





I think Krill and Krokus did a Kareoke duet for the Krull soundtrack back in the day.

Oh I just krill myself.


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NEWS ALERT
Thanks to Jan on this.

Talk about wagging the dog.
Notice the dates of these articles.

Read this one first.
Onion.com - Feb, 2004

CNN Money page - Sept 2005


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The Japanese mafia used a Soviet weather weapon to send the hurricanes at the US to piss off Bush.


No, really.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

fun with werds

Steve B was talking about Black Sabbath from his cube.
He mentioned the song "Fairies Wear Boots"

I misheard and asked "Tollbooth Fairy?"

Then decided my hobo hitchhiker name would be "Turnpike Barry."


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HEY

I'm finally playing a gig with my weekend warrior cover band I been practicing with all summer.

This Friday, September 30
830pm
South Lyon Hotel
South Lyon, MI
Upstairs.

Use GoogleMaps to find directions.
Copy past this into the search field:
south lyon hotel, south lyon, mi

It should bring it up for you right good.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

THAT'S A WRAP

When I make my own 'Super-Size Me" documentary, I'm gonna live on Taco Bell Meximelts and McDonald's breakfast burritos. Because I could.

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PLEASE GOD NO

Seeing a certain CD sent meoff on a phase of Sammy Hagar -->investigating Montrose for the first time--> Van Halen. I been jamming 2 of my fav VH songs, 'Secrets' from Diver Down and 'Me Wise Magic' from the '96 Best Of. Then of course, my ear wanted the balls and brash of For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. (Which btw, was Sammy's "gel" record. That album was truly when the natural 'isms' of VH and Sammy finally blended and 'VanHagar' actually birthed itself. Every song on there can be traced to a Roth-era song composition-wise, but Sammy's vocals are pure Sammy in tone, spirit, and character.)

Aaaaanyway... so I'm coming into work with 'Poundcake'just pummeling the air with Alex's punchy, big room sound, brashy drums. (His bass drum on this album sounds like a wrecking ball was wrapped in velvet and when he hits a cymbal with it, it's sounds like said ball was swung through a wall made up of two pieces of drywall with about 30 sheets of glass between them. Imagine that visual and sound and turn up the subwoofer of your brain.

So the tune's ending and I cut off the CD to catch Drew and Mike's Trudy News and their talking about that Rockstar INXS show where they had a kareoke contest to replace Michael Hutchence. Then Drew says he heard that there's been rumor that this show might do another season with VAN HALEN finding a singer this way!

Now... [tense, constrained, sigh]...let me say something here.

(Right now by the way, every good friend of mine is feeling a disturbance in their Buddy Force. Something is making them very afraid, they know a seismic disturbance is occuring somewhere, like when Ben felt Alderaan explode. My really good friends, like Ruz who's currently flying back from his tour of duty in Iraq is sensing that something's wrong with Dave. His body is tensing up because he knows somewhere a Dave Van Halen rant is start to rumble the volcano's mountain.)

So I'll try to spare some carnage here. Touch up the levee's. Sandbag the outer bunker. Have the National Guard at ground zero before the riots start. I'll radio the Blue Angels for a flyby after they buzz the stadium when the national anthem finishes at whatever ballpark they got hired for. And we all know it ain't gonna happen.

I have the internet on my side. I will find out where this Rockstar show is and pull own personal Hedwig and yank the microphone cord out of these singer's mic's if this goes down. I will torch 5150 studios. (I'll look around first since I always wanted to visit that).

I said it once, I said it billion f*ckig times in the kitchen and backyards of various parties since 1999. If this band wants to have any chance of getting something done in a good way, they need to get Gary Cherone back.

Yes yes yes....I f*cking know. We all wish Dave would come back. He tried. Twice. Sammy took the high road and made first contact with Al, had lunch, bam we had a tour in 2004. Sammy got burned by that. Eddie and Al have problems. It's as simple as that. Gary was an intellectual and had a calming, inspiring influence on Eddie. Eddie let himself be himself, without being a wastoid with booze as his crutch (which reports seem to be saying he's back to.)

That album with Gary should perhaps have been an Eddie solo album, perhaps not put out as "Van Halen". To help get that unit gel'd. (It takes two years to become a really good band. Or drumline. Or any performance unit. I've taught, I've studied. Trust me.) The tour was amazing, Gary worked that crowd up like no one had seen in years. he learned what worked with that audience and what didn't. The work on the next album was coming along great, the tunes were more cars and women than political machinations and the like. Gary figured out the conciousness of the room he was to be speaking to. It was gonna be great. Shit, he was even growing his rock hair back out.

I'm tellin ya. At that time in the mid-90s, there was a synchronicity between what Gary brought to the table and where the VH nucleus was musically and maturity-wise. Gary understood the history of that band's musical output better than the band. He understood it as a fan, and as an accomplished performer and singer himself. It wasn't Eddie who decided to pull out 'Jamie's Cryin' and 'I'm the One', Mean Streets, Unchained, Romeo's Delight. It was f*cking Gary!

Gary's presence and influence got that band to accept and engage their past for all the glory it was, and at the same time allow the band to be as creative as they had always wanted to be. Eddie's an insecure kid who's voice is what he gets out of that guitar, Al's the big brother who protects him and makes the decisions, business and overall band aesthetic. (Remember, it was Al and Roth who were always conflicting over the band's focus, purpose, and presentation.) Michael lays back and lays it down. Gary was the brains and the rock of Al and Eddie combined. They could play smart and bring the boogie-woogie. They could satisfy the intellectual side while also not feeling like dinosaurs revisiting the gems that put them on the map. Every band grows tired of their early material and sees playing it again as backpedaling until enough time and distance pass and someone or something very real to them happens which puts a new perspective on how good that work really was.

There's arguments that VH should stick with the early stuff.
Well padre, how about you quit your job and go back to first job of washing dishes or waiting tables. You de-volve back too. Get back to "keepin' real". That's a nice mindset to have towards these guys. Hey Eddie, Hey Hetfield, leave your wife and house to pollute your body and insult your intelligence with a lifestyle that you already learned fucks your music up anyway. Yeah. Go back to being an angry self-destructing fuckup so I, Joe Dumb Fan, can get my money's worth when I escape my shitty directionless life for one night going to your show. Because I, your "fan", have musical consumer rights to your career and life, and wants you this of you because it makes me more comfortable with your output.

Years ago I clipped out a news item for my cube wall where a bunch of Aerosmith fans started a petition asking Aerosmith to be please get back on drugs. Because they hadn't written a decent riff since the drug days. It was funny in a way, but it's like the above mentality. I wonder if the fans would, in exchange, cover the housing, medical, counsleing costs for the band's children and families who would reap the benefit of this kind of action. Hey as long as the riff's are there, screw little Jenny having a chance at -not- becoming a stripping coke-whore because Dad was a distanst violent wastoid. It's about the music man. It's gotta be.



- Dave deserted the fans who for some reason still support him most.
- Sammy gave us 11 years (those shows were packed) till the brothers got stupid.
- Gary tried his best, took the jabs, and gave fans more of what Dave could not (great live vocals) or Sammy would not (classic material).

Yes I wish Dave would come back and they all got their personal shit together.
Yes I wish Sammy could do the same, but he tried, and it blew up in his face again.
I was there in 2004. Sammy's a pro and delivered a great show. But he'll never fully trust Eddie again. And that affects things. Even when it's not musically-based, that kind of protected holding back affects a band's vibe and output. LIve and recorded. The truth just sounds different, always. Truth is, Sammy won't ever truly rely on VH again.

But if anyone should come back now, per the history and circumstances, it should be Gary. With Gary they would actually be a Band.

Or we can get Sebastian Bach.
Or how' bout Rob Thomas?
Clay Aiken?
Fred Durst?
Melissa Etheridge?
Rob Zombie"
the guy from Nickelback?
Scott from Creed?

I know! How about some arm and neck tattoo'd skateboard guy with the bullring in his nose? That would be some cred.

How about Ricky Martin?
Andre Dice Clay?
Corpse of Bob Hope?
Lil Bow Wow?
Pavarotti!
Oak Ridge Boys?
Stephen Hawking.
Foreigner!
Ralph Nader?
Twiggy the model?
Bernie Mac!
Gonzo the muppet!!
Sean Hannity?
Jay.
Big Boy
Dennis Rodman?
Neil Sedaka!
Owen Wilson.


Yeah, I guess you're right. Any of these clowns would be a much better fit than Gary, who did the job, can do the job, and would do a great job, for all the right reasons.

Well, I guess we'll just have to keep going to Aerosmith then.
"Week-ick-ick-ick YOW!"

Sunday, September 18, 2005

BREAKING NEWS

Today is 'Talk like a Pirate' Day

talklikeapirateday.com



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At some point, we all become "that asshole" on the highway.

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WE DO KNOW JACK

Joy got a dog this past weekend, Jack.
Jack2Jack1
Jack_closeup

He's a very good boy. Rottweiller and we're thinking maybe Doberman. He's like a Rott on the Hollywood no-carb diet. Very strong, very fun and playful. He and his buddy were given to the rescue in Howell per a nasty divorce, where the husband got everything and the wife gave the dogs up to (hopefully) a good home rather than let the ex-hubbie keep them and most likely not care for them well. Every loss is a gain somewhere else. So Joy wanted a big dog as loveable as Max the other Rott she dogsits for her brother sometimes. Finding as good a dog as Max is near impossible, but Jack is a good candidate. When he mellows a bit and gets used to his new Ma and Pa, he's gonna be just fine.

And he's barked only twice since we got him; once when Brendan tried the "Speak!" (for a treat) trick, and once when he "BOOF!"-ed at some people who walked a little close to the house this weekend. We were worried his protective instincts might be a tad on the Lebowski Dude side (the rescue said he acted like "didn't have a care in the world." They were right.)

He's strong. You could ski down the sidwalk behind him with no wheels if you're light enough.

Everyone says their huge menacing violent looking big dog is a big teddy bear. This guy is. But if you ask to shake, his RoboRott legs are like junior baseball bats. He brings it up and brings it down and your arm goes dee-OWn. He honestly doesn't know his own strength. He's like a cute small dog reincarnatd into a big dog. I wish we had some pics of him of our own, cuz he's a smiley dog. These pics of him from the rescue make him look a little serious.


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ME WUVS HALEN

From an email of mine to Ruz who's serving in Iraq, and my all-time best VH drinking buddy. Old men sit in the driveay in their lawn chairs talking about sports and the war, Ruz and I will be cheerleading about Van Halen over our egg-beaters and juice at Ram's Horn when we're 80.

Me Wise Magic might be my all-time favorite VH song dude.
I think it may just be their finest moment. The tune they pick to put on the Voyager probe so the aliens can hear choice tunes from EarthRock.

In one tune it just about encompasses every 'ism' of each guy, every crystallized value of their playing and personae that I have always loved and appreciated, from every stage of their musical development that I hold dear about VH. It houses the absolute blow your wad on the mountaintop rock glory of the younger years with the taste, chops, and matured musicality that they got over 30 years of jamming. I am muscially in love with that song, and the band for it.

I say it again, this song, as a composition, guitar solo and all, could be submitted as a music school jury piece.

This tune is almost 10 years old dude. Every note is perfect and genius, even when it's a wag.

God I wish those 4 could get it together and get Glenn Ballard to corral that energy again. Ballard got it down to tape. He gets a performance out of a band that leans precariously over the cliff edge of what even they think they can deliver, so the emotion runs at the scared yet confident edge. Then he puts a sheen on it so it sounds closer to glory than it does a near-casualty.

[I will be coming back 'round on this topic with my doctorate on why Me Wise Magic is so good. A detailed inventory and review of this song's composition. Stay tuned Rock Dawgs. but if you wanna start, early just listen to it first and only follow the guitar. Like if you had to learn to play it. Listen to the rhythm chords unerneath the chorus. Star with Eddie's part. Everything he is is in that guitar part, then and now. Trust me, I've logged the hours and miles. This song is their time capsule/lightning in a bottle.]

That Dave Mathews Everyday album is same way.
I go to the wall for that one too, even though everyone says its the corporate record. Bullsh*t.
Ballard wrung the absolute last drops of musical beauty out of that band on that one. He got the brush, twigs and branches out of the way so the ear could "see" and hear the tree. That beauty was always (and is always) there with DMB, and Ballard grabbed the essential elements and brought them forefront for the ear to hear immediately.

Shit, I'm a drummer, but even I want a perfect chord change rather than some hi-hat roll trick. Carter can bitch all he wants in hindsight about how much Ballard didn't let him play alot on that album. Well, sulk in the mansion Carter, cuz I remember reading the Rolling Stone in the magazine aisle of the Ypsilanti Meijer's hen Everyday came out, reading your words that you said about how much you loved that Ballard's guidance (albeit uncomfortable at first) really helped you mellow and let the song breathe better and be expressed more powerfully. Reminds me of Chris Squire of Yes heaping praise all over Trevor Rabin at the 1994 release party for the 'Talk' album. Then the band split, Squire started up the retro-classic Yes with Howe back in and just shit-talked all over Rabin. Hey Squire you pretentious British Bass F*ck, Rabin kept your yacht payments in good standing in the 80s. If you're gonna complain, go after the wardrobe person for the 90125 tour.
Shithead.

Lothar of the Bass People.
lothar squire

Now we know where Patrick "Wah" Roy got the idea for those psych-you-out goalie knee pads.
goaliepants

River Yes Dance!
RiverYes!

I love ya Chris, and I always turn up the 'Roundabout', but not Geddy, Mark King, Billy Sheehan, or Bootsy has yet been knighted for bass playing and granted a castle of their own. I love seein' the hustle out there on stage, and the upper class British dignity you carry your head high with being a rock bassists is impressive. But it's a piece of wood that goes "BRONG!" and "Baownk ba-Daonk Baownk". I'm sure Arthur woud no doubt have made you the Round Table's designated minstrel representative. But you try leading some 3rd Crusade into the Middle East with just that mighty Rickenbacker, and Ltn. Commander Tony [call-sign:} "Bruce" Lee is gonna end that desert plain bass solo for Humanity's Love with a daisy cutter right up the back of that trenchcoat. 'Owner of Some Lonely Parts' I'm thinking...




Wai'...whut were we talkin' about?





Oh Yeah!, so we go this dog named Jack.
homey-baby

He's a very good boy. Rottweiller and we're thinking maybe Doberman. He's like a Rott on the Hollywood no-carb diet. Very strong, very fun and playful. He and his buddy were given to the rescue in Howell per a nasty divorce, where the husband got everything and the wife gave the dogs up to (hopefully) a good home rather than let the ex-hubbie keep them and most likely not care for them well. Every loss is a gain somewhere else. So Joy wanted a big dog as loveable as Max the other Rott she dogsits for her brother sometimes. Finding as good a dog as Max is near impossible, but Jack is a good candidate. When he mellows a bit and gets used to his new Ma and Pa, he's gonna be just fine.

And he's barked only twice since we got him; once when Brendan tried the "Speak!" (for a treat) trick, and once when he "BOOF!"-ed at some people who walked a little close to the house this weekend. We were worried his protective instincts might be a tad on the Lebowski Dude side (the rescue said he acted like "didn't have a care in the world." They were right.)

He's strong. You could ski down the sidwalk behind him with no wheels if you're light enough.

Everyone says their huge menacing violent looking big dog is a big teddy bear. This guy is. But if you ask to shake, his RoboRott legs are like junior baseball bats. He brings it up and brings it down and your arm goes dee-OWn. He honestly doesn't know his own strength. He's like a cute small dog reincarnatd into a big dog. I wish we had some pics of him of our own, cuz he's a smiley dog. These pics of him from the rescue make him look a little serious.
homey-baby

Such a good boy.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get rid of the automatic spam that someone sicked on this blog's comments section.

Oh, I forgot...
I did go see Umphrey's McGee, and they were spectacular again.

Yooou must learn the ways of the Force, if you're to come with me to Umphreylderann..."
OKenobi-E4


Umphrey's play so good I feel like a little girl when I see them.
guycheer


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'ATCHOO HAIKU:

Chase chicken like Rocky
Catch fry like Miyagi
Catch grasshopper by hopping in grass too
Here ends 'Atchhoo Haiku.




Thaaaat's right...IIIII'm Abe Froman...

Friday, September 16, 2005

INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth
$49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had
$214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

p.s. I swear to you (all 5-6 fans of this blog) I got some good stuff comin'. Just haven't had a good chunk of time to go to town on it.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

its been awhile

Sorry about that.

Check out this neat thing:
Aerial/Satellite view of New Orleans in sectors. You can see the whole city, and where the water is and isn't. Click on a section of town and keep zooming in. Brown areas are dry, green-looking areas are where the water is.